LA today:
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
79.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next