[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*