ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
You Might Also Like
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.