Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
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[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH