Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Google Pay be like:
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
what does he know…
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
watergate? u mean a dam??
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.