Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
This forever.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete