How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Hero horse inspires millions
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
CUTE CAT‼︎
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.