Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
A woman drives into a bar.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*