interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note