Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
WTF
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.