So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
so i’m at the stock market right
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide