College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Anime is real
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it