I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?