“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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thank god
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
✌🏽
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*