Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Gemma Correll
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”