Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
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The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!