Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here