Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Pizza is an emotion right?