SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
road rage
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension