[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
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There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*