My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Choose your fighter
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*