Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Not all heroes wear capes….
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
At least my masseuse has my back.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.