Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I am, perchance
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?