Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Covid like
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’