1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
one last job
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages