[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up