HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂