đ
turn that frown upside down
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we donât do shopping carts
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with âline of scrimmageâ?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
just found out that some people donât double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If evolution is real then why arenât hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didnât share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, Iâm pretty proud of this
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
âDo you have at least 15 tattoos?â – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
every. time.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My 5yoâs teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now Iâm concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wifeâs birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Whoever came up with the phrase âactions speak louder than wordsâ sure as shit never heard my 5 year oldâs words