Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.