Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
You Might Also Like
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie