Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
WTF
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.