TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.