It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.