Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.