My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*