“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.