I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”