I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
You Might Also Like
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
#DesignFail
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse