After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
You Might Also Like
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.