[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
lost dog
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.