Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Who called it baking and not making love
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women