Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
You Might Also Like
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
The Birdles
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.