I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
You had me at “define legal”.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon