[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.