127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Chicago sounds lovely.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins