The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.