1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*