6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is