I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Legend 🤣🤣
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]