a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My neck, my back, my…
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication